Proverbial cats out of the bags
I’ve been hiding my love’s and it’s time we take the proverbial cats out of the bags.
Yes, that is to say that there is more than one bag and I have been keeping secrets over here that I am now ready to reveal to the public NOT in the hopes to get a rise out of you but to actually show you what it’s really like blasting away the past and rising up to be my best self (and yours), expressed, alive, thriving, and my bank account full of money and always growing bigger because that’s super sexy too!
So here’s the deal. I have been hiding my true feelings and my true life experiences.
For about a solid year, but just a little less, I went into past programming, feeling like there is NOT ENOUGH and it was reflective in my income and my relationship with my new husband.
In fact, I’m not blaming my marriage on this phenomena, however, all of this has been coming up for RESOLUTION because that’s how the subconscious mind works and either you address what comes up or continue to ignore it, inevitably re-creating the past again and again.
Which clearly is not ideal, so I choose the path of least resistance and healing.
This is the honest truth of why I am here on this Earth
UNEARTHING the inner workings of the human mind and creating a way OUT of constant fear, shame, dissatisfaction and living an unhappy life!
Unfortunately this is how I was brought up and many of my family members still find themselves here in this realm where possibility is non-existent.
I guess I preferred not trying to dig a hole and put my past inside it, although I did do plenty of that.
Instead I’ve always desired to dig it up and bring it out into the open where nothing but the light of awareness and acceptance would have it disappear.
So with that said, back to the fact that for over a year I have gone into much of a survival mode.
Not just with money but with love.
All the automatic ways of being in relationships and with money surfaced and took the driver seat on some level.
And not that I didn’t see it happening somewhat but I surely didn’t do all that I could to stop it, love it, heal it, and release it.
So I went on draining my bank account because my energy was, one of lack and not enough but also on a…
I’m-gonna-unconciously-self-sabatage-like-my-subconcious-mind-does-best KICK!
The backstory that you must know if you don’t already is that my personal story around love and money got deeply intertwined with one another and therefore my human brain made up that they are one in the same…
And not only that, but that I could not have both.
Before I met my husband I was just at my peak of earning the most money I ever had as an entrepreneur, hitting a 20k launch and selling high-ticket packages at 5k+ for private coaching.
(I’ve since then raised my prices also)
I was dating at the time but nothing that I was allowing in close to my heart where things get vulnerable.
Then I dated another and got more vulnerable. This particular relationship went fast and furious into commitment when we could barely understand each other because of the language barrier.
Because I’ll be honest, all I wanted was my best life!
Love in my life.
Money in the bank.
Living in my purpose.
And that relationship taught me some valuable lessons that I was going to continue to learn going forward…. This was the end of summer 2022.
The relationship ended with a struggle on my end as far as I know and not much communication exchanged.
Communication is one of those things I tend to obsess over
Communication is one of those things I tend to obsess over because of the lack of it in my childhood, being confused, not knowing what’s going on, and not understanding the chaos even though I was present for it.
Mom was married 7 times and while I can hand it to her for wearing her heart on her sleeve and never giving up on love (I got that from her)…. It taught me a lot of not so useful tidbits when it comes to relationships.
But even with a reframe it actually did teach me a lot about what doesn’t work.
Creating fights, feeling anxious, unloved, angry, needy, insecure, and probably a host of other things that I might go into later.
The truth is that I grew up with an ineffective way of relating in intimate relationships and it has taken a lifetime of education and relearning to figure out how to be in a relationship and I can’t say that I know it all quite yet but surely I move forward in the intention of knowing everything I can come to know about having true love in my life and having it thrive.
The other thing you need to know is that when I was 8 I sent my father a letter because I started to get curious. My mom had left when I was 2 years old, and trust me, it was for very good reasons that still stand true to this day.
This will be another story for another time.
When I sent the letter with a picture of me inside I never heard back.
Of course my little 8 year old brain 100,000% made it mean that I was unlovable.
Then I came to find out years later that all these years he was sending child support but wanted nothing to do with me as far as I could tell.
What I didn’t know at the time was how delusional, unhealthy, and in fact toxic this man’s whole being was. I did find out when I was 30 when I showed up at his doorstep no longer accepting a no to meeting him and finding out who he was.
I think every child has wonders when you grow up not knowing one of your parents
So let’s add this up….
I had the belief that I wasn’t loveable, by a man, AND yet he sent money.
I think you can see it pretty plain and clear that I grew up with the notion that you could only have one or the other and not BOTH love and money.
What a shitty and limiting way of thinking but this is real life – not like truth and facts – but this really happened for me.
Now that I know it’s a lie I told myself long ago and believed for many years unknowingly (unconsciously) I’ve been able to start to change my reality around money and love.
But the sometimes unfun part is that until you actually get hands-on experience then how are you really going to know what to do in situations calling you up to be your higher self and learn the lessons you are meant to learn?
Right now at this point I feel so called to share all of this because I was sabotaging both love and money in my life because of this unconscious belief ruling over me instead of me taking control of my reality – fully.
In all honesty I actually was attending to this, but sometimes these things are so deeply entangled into the fabric of your mind, body, cellular structure, and soul that it takes a bit of time.
But notice I didn’t say that this is impossible, of course it is possible. And it’s also why I do only longer term private coaching because that’s when the real magic and life changing, happens.
It seemed like my relationship was holding on by strings and my husband attempted the coping strategy of leaving 6 times in the past year.
But before you either start seeing me as the evil one or even him you have to understand that it truly takes 2 to be in a relationship and it takes 2 to make or break a relationship.
Thank god one of those times he said he didn’t want to go to the United States because he wanted to stay in his country and make a difference here because it pained his heart to see the woman on the street selling candy with her toddler and 6 month old baby by herself.
That moment revealed to me two things: 1) how much I didn’t know my husband and 2) how much the same we are even next to our differences.
Never underestimate the power of the perception that in a long term relationship you will be discovering who your partner is over and over again until death do you part.
Let’s stop pretending like you know who they are
They are continuously discovering who they are and all of us are always evolving so we’re constantly changing, elevating, and growing – at least we hope…
I chose my husband because he thinks deeply like I do, he’s intelligent, kind, peaceful and loving on a level I had never experienced before him.
My husband learned to avoid arguments which meant that he withholds from communicating his true feelings in order to avoid a fight…
And for me when one does not communicate then I start to grasp and hang onto any words that are communicated and wondering what’s going on.
When he moves away I move toward him.
But at this point in our relationship we’ve been so vulnerable with each other I can say that everyday I get to know him more and more.
I can know him continuously instead of pretending like I know him. I can stay curious instead of relating to him as if he IS whatever I perceive him as through the lens of my past.
So here is where the rubber meets the road
The truth is that we are all (those of us who are in a growth state) going to hit up against our past, our programming, also known as, “the way we wound up being”.
Everyone who is growing is going to have to face themselves on a level that is, well, not always easy or pretty.
I came from generations of poverty; not just money but love, abundance, success, and happiness.
And as my husband so deeply believes, it is your environment…
And as I so deeply believe, it is your mindset… that ultimately needs to shift in order to create a brand new reality.
But what has been missing for me on this journey of believing in something I can’t see yet has been teachers who talk about what’s behind the scenes, the internal struggles, the battle between the old self and the new self.
And perhaps we can’t always know those intimate experiences that one has with themselves and that’s ok too.
Even after all this time I found myself reverting to my past energy and emotions. I still managed to continue earning and saving money and I keep on keeping on.
If I’m being completely honest, it’s women who are like me who I deeply desire to help move up out of poverty because if we don’t start with us then we can’t change future generations, the lives of our kids and grandkids, and ultimately just the way we live.
The journey out of poverty thinking and even financial poverty is a spiritual one, at least for me.
Everything I have gone through to get where I am so far has been about believing in a higher power, a God who loves me just as I am and is quick to forgive the mistakes I’ve made.
2023 was a hard year I won’t lie
But I have to admit that I created it that way, not like it’s my fault but like I am owning what happened and taking actions to alter the fabric of my life.
I continuously have to learn to love and be loved.
I continuously have to learn and practice receiving and keeping larger amounts of money.
I continuously have to see myself right now as the future I am calling towards me because, well, it’s coming in hot and fast like it always has been!
I want this year to be about giving more of myself and sharing the truth behind the scenes of what it really takes to keep elevating higher and higher, attracting more love and abundance than one can muster in imagination but…
I just spent about 6 days total with my new family – a family that deeply loves each other and who are close (and I even mean in terms of space lol) and it’s not something that comes natural to me.
Love didn’t come naturally to me, at least not to my subconscious mind.
On a conscious and spiritual level of course I understand that I am love.
And the ego still does its thing to attempt to keep us separated from who we truly are and what we’re worthy of receiving.
Because letting go of our past and the deeply ingrained programming is death to the ego, it will do just about anything to sabotage attempts at leaving it behind.
But honestly I found that resisting doesn’t help with creating a new life.
Awareness is the key
Being the silent and non judgmental watcher of the thoughts we think, not so much eliminating them, but not subscribing to them while simultaneously practicing new ways of thinking and speaking.
Regardless of how many times I think I am not made for marriage, the truth of the matter is that I want it.
With all my heart I have wanted it since I was a little girl and for me and others like me, perhaps it really takes something to transform the way you wound up being in relationships.
Even as I write this there is a still small voice that says don’t share these things but to me that is so limiting so I keep writing with the intention of making a difference for you in your life, with money and in relationships.
I truly think it’s not going to be easy for anyone to change their life.
When people tell you it’s going to be easy, that’s not the full truth
Yes, it does in fact get easier to manage money and communicate in relationships and stay consistent in your business while holding healthy boundaries but initially the work is going to be something that most people don’t want to do because of how NOT easy it is.
You need to be an ass kicker to your past and dedicated and determined to your future.
Doing all of this while still staying present in this moment so that life doesn’t pass you by.
And the more you learn about yourself and the ways in which you do not want to be, you discover who you really want to be and act accordingly from every moment to every moment.
It really is a gift and one that you will work hard at that will be the very best return on investment that you will ever receive.
2023 was a year where I questioned my worth again.
I questioned the value I give to others even while clients paid me thousands to work with me in long term coaching.
I questioned whether I should be married and I questioned if I could keep handling the money that was coming and that must be saved, invested, spent and earned.
I’ll tell you one other thing: at every new level there is a new devil.
And I just stepped into the ultimate level up of: marriage.
Which makes me excited for 2024, the year of 8, and the new level I have now stepped into as I’ve taken on a new awareness of my past programming and an even deeper desire to fulfill my purpose with the people of the world.
Remember that each of you bring value to the table and don’t let anyone, not even you, tell you otherwise.
I love you.
