Long Time Coming
It’s been a while since I wrote without thinking and being afraid of what someone might think.
When before the “incidences” of being a wife happened I felt free and sure and on fire to be real with you, whoever you are, reading this.
I just want to be clear that some phases are just unavoidable.
Can’t go around it or over it or even under it.
Must go through.
And so I walk and sometimes crawl and even sometimes I run.
Going for a me that I used to know and yet an evolved version of myself who’s mistakes only give blessings.
I love my life and yet the trust I had in myself waned and now waxing I can see the beauty in all the messes I’ve made.
Isn’t this what I came here for?
Isn’t this what I came here to do and teach and live by?
Because shame and guilt and mistrust and betrayal in oneself can be devastating and drive you into a place of hiding but I don’t want to hide.
I don’t want to air my dirty laundry either, but the truth is that my expression is what keeps me going.
Sharing an existence of my world gives the power to transform this world I’m in.
It’s not real or fake.
It’s not the truth nor a lie.
It’s just my experience and so I write like I love to do.
How else will you gaze inside me and see the human that I am.
I’m covered in skin and you can’t see through unless I show you.
And like every human I want to be seen and known and heard and loved.
Although that’s my job and God’s job, it’s still there yearning to come through and reveal itself.
To be seen is to exist, is it not?
So I write with no purpose except this.
High Being High & Lows Being Low
The pressure that pulls at me to act and move grows stronger and I yearn to express the pain and the beauty of every day, week, month, and year.
The highs being high and the lows being low.
Highs getting higher and lows fading in the distance.
I crave living a life at risk and yet grounded.
To make moves that scare me and yet bring me alive to who I am really am.
To shed the skin of an old version of myself and crawl out into a new life.
A life that I dreamed and created in my mind, glued to paper, and written in time.
Imagination come to life.
Feelings becoming real.
And I wonder can I trust myself?
I wonder, will I make that same mistake in love and shrink down to a self I couldn’t recognize?
Would I let it happen again and become someone I’m not.
To put myself in a smaller box when the boxes I go after are bigger and open wide…?
I made a pact with my soul and God that I would be me.
I made a pact that I will do whatever it takes to print the images in my mind for my life on the reality of my soul.
So here I am as I write, unedited and unrefined, the secrets of my heart.
And through it all, someone might be inspired by my words that flow on digital paper.
So I share.
But the questions still remain if I am reliable, strong enough, and can build myself back up to believe in me and my mission?
The mission never died but the confidence in myself died a little inside.
Because honestly everything I stood for I gave up for a relationship that was never aligned.
I blinded myself for love and let it shrink me down down down smaller smaller smaller and I can never do that again.
I could never be there again.
Taller bigger bolder is my forte.
So if I did it once, will I do it twice or ten times?
If I hide from the truth of what happened, could it happen again?
So I bare witness my mistakes and unleash the truth of what I did.
I chose an outdated story I made up when I was a kid.
8 years old.
I acted from fear instead of faith and pretended I was acting from faith.
But as funny as it may seem I still had faith in the life I created in my mind.
Detour Central
This was only a detour.
A sidetrack.
Maybe even a short cut.
Whatever you do don’t give up and never give in.
It’s an unbecoming that takes grit and grind and faith in your one all mighty provider.
Because the Kingdom of Heaven is within.
The father is in me and I in my father and the father is in you and we are one.
There is nothing you can do to f*ck it up and permanently be in a living hell.
There is nothing that can stop you forever except death itself.
There is nothing that can stand in your way of causing the miraculous to unfold and shower down on your life.
There is nothing that will ever be bigger than the creator in you.
So lean in when it gets rough.
Lock it down when the going gets going and look within as you move forward.
You can’t get it wrong.
You’re not bad for what you have done and the mis-takes you will still inevitably make.
This life is yours and yours alone.
So go live it up and let your highest self and God light the way to your one true purpose.
To experience joy.
To be happy.
To love being alive.
To laugh.
To say chair and chair falls out of your mouth.
Go get em creator!
Create the life that YOU want.
I love you &
You’re mine
Zoey
