The Laze of Time
The laze starts to sink in and my free time begins to open up.
The thoughts in my mind wax and wane from questioning everything to owing it all with pride that I made my dream of being a wife come true but shame that it came with a level of self-abandonment I could care less about flashing to the world.
Now I question everything.
Can I trust myself again?
Will I make the same mistake?
And back to knowing the lessons I learned that I will never repeat, but is that truly how it works?
Does transformation really happen in an instant and can it alter the course of the direction I go in?
I tell myself it does.
I remember how many times I’ve experienced transformation in an instant that can last a lifetime, at least, thus far.
And I remind myself that I am human and I made mistakes and I am worthy of any second chance just like anyone else.
And what I discover in my upset through looking with a friend is this:
Marriage is a sacred vow that I was committed to making.
Marriage was important to me.
Marriage is important to me.
And I broke that vow.
Some say that this is the impact and other memories stream into my consciousness to tell me that my thoughts are all made up, I have no need to continue to make myself wrong, and that it’s ok to have gone through the past almost two years now of a marriage and a divorce.
But I think what gets me the most is how committed I was to getting married that no one else sees the truth of how it happened.
Not that I need to explain but I know the way the world occurs to me and voicing it can set me free.
Others might see it as a ploy for attention, but I serve only one God and it’s Him who loves me unconditionally, provides unconditionally, and has always had my back through thick and thin.
I was never proposed to.
A decision was made.
And metaphorical wedding bells rang within weeks.
To think that I gave up the fairytale or anything close to it, even I am alarmed.
I thought I was un-fuckable-with and turns out the dark side sneaks up on all humans.
Rage Against the Dying of An Era
The rage I felt being married is now dissipated.
The control I tried to inflict is now just a memory.
The reason for the marriage is now only seen as a “look what I can do” phenomenon of manifesting and a tactic to be seen, loved, heard, appreciated, adored, and taken care of.
I call it nasty but is it just my human?
I pray no one reads this and yet I pray that we all can accept the ways in which we operate in life that can easily be forgiven and forgotten and that a new self can emerge from the ashes.
I burnt this mo-fo down!
And now that it’s gone, the smoke cleared and the blue skies emerged.
Untethered from existing solely to make a non-working marriage, work.
Funny enough, he tried to leave 7 times before the 8th time.
I fought it like a fool.
Months later I thanked him for leaving as a world I had been calling in began to emerge when I let what was no longer needed or wanted fall away.
He thought it was strange, but I shared that I couldn’t fit myself in that box anymore and I felt so small and shrunken that I could hardly recognize myself.
Aren’t I supposed to feel bigger when I’m with the one I love.
Yes we are meant to feel expansive and as if we can be ourselves and like we could go out and accomplish anything.
Even the above thought I question as my past thoughts continue to try and take over, question my every move, and haunt my every creative endeavor.
Funny how our mistakes don’t stay in the past but yet they exist in our present and attempt to take over our future.
Even though none of that is true…
Is time alone the answer? I don’t know.
Is time alone with God the answer? I think so.
Every mark I miss is an opportunity to grow and I won’t, nor could I pass this one up.
Its lessons learned staring me blank straight in the face.
Beyond Enemy Lines
So, I sift through and learn all the ways I forced outcomes that even I didn’t want.
How I sacrificed myself and my life for a life I cringed having.
And it’s nothing to do with him, it’s my values and my words in the matter of what I said I wanted and somehow forgot through the process.
I gave it all up for love? But was it truly love or was it infatuation with a future potential that was never going to happen?
One piece of advice would be to never date or marry “potential”.
Don’t date or marry what could be.
Ask yourself, if he never changed, would you be ok with that?
Because people can experience self-growth but only if they want to.
But that man is who he is and you can’t change him.
So love him now as he is or don’t and understand or take the case that who that man is, is who you’re getting.
But I can taste the freedom. It’s here and yet it’s coming.
Still trapped and tied to the marks missed of my recent past, I crave solitude inside of the silent knowing of who I am, the humanness that is so lovable, and the future that is right here, right now, being created by me.
The trap that we too often get locked into is that we could make the biggest mistake and it will somehow make us no longer whole and complete.
But that’s a lie the enemy tells you so that you won’t succeed.
It’s a lie the enemy tells you to make you smaller.
It’s a lie the enemy tells you to keep you exactly where you are in fear, un-love, and lack of possibility.
Don’t listen to the lies.
Because the secret and faint voice inside your heart calling you to that sweet life only you can see in your mind.
That is God’s plan for you.
Listen to your heart.
I love you & you’re mine.
Zoey
