The Other Self
The woman I see before me is one of a kind.
She is different from the other one that comes out at night.
Figuratively speaking, she comes when she’s triggered.
When her fear arises and her alarms go off.
I almost never know when she’ll arrive.
She knocks down the door before I ever knew she was here.
She sinks in between every cell in my body.
She’s the IT.
She’s the automatic.
She’s the little girl who once chose HOW she would protect herself from the outside world.
She’s the scared one.
As I sit now and contemplate her, I must admit she did a really good job at keeping me safe and protected.
And now, though?
She destroys.
She builds walls that keep people out.
Her bonds keep her alone and yearning for love, when…
When all along she has the power to reclaim attention, affection, and so much love, care and provision from the one she loves the most.
A creation of her own, really.
She changes suits and looks back in horror.
Viewing this old childish version who doesn’t seem to know how to get her needs met versus the powerful and passionate lover woman who demands romance with her being.
“That’s who I really am!”
So when she is in this place of being he cares for her relentlessly, thinking of all the ways in which he can please her and gift her with the treasures in his kingdom.
She lovingly accepts and slips deeper into his heart and him into hers.
Opening wider and wider.
Up and up and up!
The Battleground
You see, for those of you reading, this is a true story.
The battle of what it means to learn from and overcome or disappear an old way of being that keeps you trapped in a life of not getting what you want…. IN ALL AREAS OF LIFE.
Since I can remember, I wanted to go first.
I wanted to be the person who showed everyone else that IT CAN BE DONE.
You can leave a life behind and create a new one.
You can forgive and move on.
You can heal from decades of living ashamed of yourself and your choices.
You can let ALL of it go and have the most passionate romance with yourself, your life, your business, and your lover (husband/wife).
And I could say it really takes WORK.
But who am I to say, really?
For me, it seems that, yes, it takes a lot of work and battling my old whiny self just looking for an opportunity to destroy.
But maybe for some it’s easier.
I guess it’s all in the question, “how bad do you want it?”
How badly do you desire a life of happiness versus suffering?
How badly do you desire an abundance of anything you can think of and that ALL OF THAT can be totally and completely enough?
I don’t know about you, dear reader, but I know it’s worth the fight.
It’s worth the sleepless nights and the trips to the gym.
It’s worth the green juice and early nights in.
It’s worth saying no when you really want to say yes.
It’s worth the laughter that echos the walls of these concrete rooms.
It’s worth a life that’s worth living instead of wanting to die.
It’s worth every bit of uncomfortable emotions that I had to go through and I suspect you will too and probably already have.
It is worth the breakups and the divorce.
It is worth the difficult conversations and giving up our desire to be right.
It’s worth writing a new story even if you will always remember the old one.
Every aspect of who we are is beautiful.
But notice I didn’t say desirable?
Either way, all parts of you were built on something gorgeous, and that is that you not only survive but that you thrive in the face of adversities.
Slice of Pie
So if and when you’re ready to let that old self go, remember that the monster you think you see in the mirror, who destroys your opportunities or puts them on hold to continue to reap the benefits of waiting on living your life (none are valid), is not who you really are.
It’s fear.
And what is born out of fear is just trying to survive and stay protected.
The truth for me is that I have two sides.
Opposites really.
Not like I go into a completely asleep trance and forget everything that happened.
Although I feel crazy like that when it happens and when it’s done I am surprised at the difference between her and me.
But she is all of me.
She is the part of me that thinks that those behavior patterns and ways of being are NEEDED TO SURVIVE.
But it’s not true.
And that’s where the difficult work comes in.
Because she will fight tooth and nail, or he will if you’re a man, to survive.
Because that is “safer” for that part of yourself BECAUSE that is why they exist.
Truth is: this “other side” of you isn’t seperate from you AND it’s not who you really are.
Transformation can be a process.
Change happens over time when you really take responsibility and for me, I haven’t wanted to take responsibility.
I felt safer NOT taking responsibility and remaining the same old young infant girl who desperately wanted to be loved and who desperately felt the need to protect herself from the very scary things I experienced as a child (rightfully so for me and for you if you did experience scary things too).
But now?
Now we are growing up.
Most reading this are adults already.
But honestly we all have small children or teenagers inside us where we might be stuck.
And that’s ok.
What there is to be done, if you want to do anything about it (I do), is to become aware of this side of you and integrate this part of you into ALL OF YOU.
Because “what you resist persists”, so if we keep hiding from this side of ourselves then it will continue to show up in places where you don’t want it to be, like your romantic relationships, your career and jobs and your ability to make money, and generally in every part of your life like your behavior patterns with food and how you take care of yourself, your body, mental health, and more.
The way you are in one area of your life is the way you are in every area of your life… whether you see it or not.
Different colors, same pile of a slice of poop or pie.
The moral is that all of YOU, is beautiful.
All of you is, worthy.
You deserve happiness and success in every part of your life.
Again, I am learning to love all of me (because I once thought I had it all down to a science and logic) and I know you can too.
We may not be perfect but we are precious as we are.
You’re worth it.
Life is worth it.
I love you,
& you’re mine!
Zoey
