I just can’t do it anymore.
Hiding myself away as if I don’t, won’t, can’t, make a difference in the world.
Truly I’ve been going through the biggest transformation I ever signed up for in this life..
Or so I think…
Only God knows, but it feels like it.
And every week I speak to a group of people who I share my life with.
They are strangers and yet I tell them the most intimate details of my life.
They see the darkest parts of me and yet they still accept me.
And so why would I continue not sharing and not getting out what so desperately needs to come out of me AND..
That I have been holding back with force for so many months.
Due to shame.
Shame of getting a divorce.
Shame of who I was being.
And the shame and fear that arises still while I navigate a newer relationship where I still make mistakes and where I am doing my darndest to be a new human being.
Some people say that you can never change
Some people believe in transformation.
But I’m sick of hiding.
And the women who are soft and feminine are supposed to keep things secret but was I ever meant to keep things hidden?
Something deep within tells me no.
That my destiny is to shine light where others won’t or couldn’t possibly.
So the truth is my shadow chases me.
The bitch who won’t let go of the past who wants to bring me down with her.
Some days I resist.
Some days I seek integration with her.
Some days I love her dearly.
And some days I just want to end her, fix her, change her, eliminate her.
But the other truth is, because this is about truth in the poetic flowing way that it dares to come out of me…
The truth: I’ve abandoned myself and it has become a habit
No one else can make me happy, only I can do that.
And when I give up on the very things that give happiness I risk the death of who I really am.
And I’ve chosen “love”, over me but is that really love or is that ENTANGLEMENT?
Who wants to be entangled?
The greatest gift I could give him is to write, write, write my heart out.
The greatest gift I could give him is to stand in being 100% who I am steadily moving toward my greatest expression.
But time and time again I turned away from the very thing that pulls the happiness right out of me.
I’ve sold my soul to the devil over and over and over while claiming to be Christian.
And that’s another thing…
I’ve been saved for over two years now and living for 35 years before this with a “spiritual background” of stones, incense, reiki, yoga, palo santo, and sage were an identity that somehow gave me something that now is just not here.
I have nowhere else to turn but within and resisting walking into the Kingdom of Heaven just breaks me even more.
Maybe he called me to him that day, which was a surprise for me because it wasn’t planned nor did I know it would be a new lifeline I didn’t know that I needed.
Walking through the valley of the shadow of death in order to rid myself of the past programming has been no small feat and I still walk, shadow ball and chain behind me.
Oh how she has begged to be seen and heard and adored.
Her music pouring through me and it must come or else she gets angry and has a disdain for life.
And sometimes I really wonder what I am here for but maybe it’s just this.
Maybe my 3rd grade teacher was right…
I should keep writing in that speckled green blue notebook.
And I have no idea what I wrote those days back when I was nine years old but something or someone spoke through him.
Now here I am, tears swelling in my eyes because my most prized gift of expression can be found in these words and I’ve run from them again and again.
Shading myself with “her” shadow band.
As much as she has caused me turmoil, I’ll keep loving her.
I’ll keep her love for me and her zest for life in the forefront of my mind and I’ll keep writing her beautiful song that must flow or die (bringing me with her).
And so I say now that I am here that no one is exempt from going through dark periods in life and wondering if you don’t know who you are anymore.
Everyone faces trials and tribulations that seem like they might break you down so far down that you’ll never get up again.
But each trial and each tribulation is meant to mold you, change you, and make you into a new wiser version of someone you’ve never been before…
And I know, that is scary as heck.
Letting go of the past is a lifelong endeavor but I believe in us.
So as you go off into life on this day remember to hold onto those pieces of you who you know you are.
Keep the genius and leave the rest
Honor love and turn away from blame, shame, hatred, and make wrong.
We are a beautiful species and each day is an opportunity to express this gift.
I love you &
You’re mine!
Zoey
